PART FIVE I'd Had a Revelation

Upon entering my quest to quit, I began to search for online for support groups. Our city does not have any. There are 76 Weight Watchers meetings at any given time. There are about as many Alcoholics Annonymous meetings and so on. But do we have any for quitting a drug that is harder to quit than heroin?

The closest city that has a support group is an hour's drive if there is no traffic whatsoever. Add 30 minuets if you actually plan to make it into the city.

So I came across several, my favorite being Quitnet.com At most times of the day there were hundreds of people on this site discussing quit tips, asking questions, offering encouragement. I quickly got addicted to the site. One user suggested that I read Allan Carr's The Easy Way to Quit Smoking.

Seemed like a silly name for a book but what did I have to lose? The book's cover decribes Carr as a 5-pack a day smoker. This was back in the early eighties when you could still smoke everywhere. Turns out, he averaged 3 packs a day--5 on a bad day. Still, you think if this guy can quit, anyone can quit.

Carr actually states in the book that he quit via hypnosis. How quaint. But I'll get onto that later. To start, I absorbed the words written in that book. I read daily. I believed it. It's not all health shock and reason why you need to quit. It's a form of brainwashing. You read the words written there--and you believe them. The books tells you don't need cigarettes--and you believe that.

I started out wondering how in the world a book would help me quit smoking, let alone make it "easy and enjoyable"! Yes, enjoyable! Carr states that it is ridiculously easy AND enjoyable to quit smoking.

He also prohibits using Nicotine Replacement Therapies such as The Patch, The Gum, etc. because you'd only be fueling the need for nicotine. You don't need bubble gum, hard candies or coffee straws in your mouth, blah, blah, blah.

But I believed it. What's more, I believed in it. I believed it in my heart. I wa sso excited to quit smoking. All who know me wer excited for me. "I have no doubt in my mind that you're going to do it!" my loving husband said to me. Even my mom really thought I would do it.

I had my last smoke at 10pm. I awoke at 4:30am to the whining alarm clock and felt around in the dark for my cigarettes. Oh yeah. I went to the bathroom and couldn't wrap my head around anything. I had a difficult time getting my contact lenses in my eyes. I said my mantras over and over as I dressed:

I'm a non-smoker!
I'm not giving up anything!
I won't miss it!

On my way out of the bathroom, I stared at the counter. What was I forgetting? I had my brushed my teeth, wrapped my hair in a bun and yes, I do remember shutting off the clock so it didn't wake Shawn.

What was it?! I had my pants on. I hooked my bra.... Oh yeah. Oh well. I'm a non-smoker!!!!!

For most of the time after as I fed the pets and did my morning routine I fidgeted, always looking for something, thinking I had forgotten something. What was I forgetting? I sat at the computer and the feeling was nagging at me, eating away at my absolute being. I repeated my mantras. I felt as though I wanted to rip a glop of hair out. That might help.

Screw this! I'm getting some gum! I thought as I rushed to the kitchen for some nicotine gum.

I left a message on a forum on my support group. I could barely type the words, "what a crock" and "Carr quit with hypnosis!" and such things as "this isn't EASY or ENJOYABLE".

Driving in the dark, I cranked up some rock music and thrashed like a head banger straight out of the 80's. I cried all the way to work. At 6am, upon arriving at work I chewed bubble gum; another piece of nicotine gum at 6:30am.

That feeling. It's hard to describe. It's at the pit of your stomach and at the center of your brain, throbbing and gnawing at every thought. Things that come naturally, like moving your arm, require thought. I tried to breathe deeply, repeated my mantras.

I pulled my laundry from the adjacent laundrymat and smelled a smell I haven't picked up on in a long time. I had washed our clothes using soap and detergent in an electrical washing machine--just as anyone does these days. But the scent from the dryer...To describe it to a non-smoker I would have to say it was a combination of a stale litter box and an ashtray that had not been emptied in years.

Do I smell like that? I wanted to cry at the thought.

At 7am I gave in.

I went to the 7-11 next door and bought a pack. I went behind our building and sat on the ground and bawled like a little girl as I smoked. I was so sure. I believed every page in that book! I just knew in my heart I could do it and that, yes it would be easier this time.

I felt defeated. Broken. Helpless against the addiction that nicotine holds to me. "Nothing but a junkie..." I muttered. My shoulders shook I was crying so hard. I cried like that with every cigarette I smoked that day. I stare at this little stick between my fingers and curse at it & the smoke rising from its tip. "I don't want this! I don't want to be smoking this! I don't want to be a smoker!"

I felt as though God Himself had forgotten me....

NEXT: Part Six Why Do We Fall?