NEWER ITEMS ARE POST AT THE TOP--OLDER ITEMS FEEL THE WRATH OF THE ENTER KEY
LOUISIANA GHOST STORY
(This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real. It happened)
This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.Suddenly he saw a car moving, slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.
Wanting a ride, the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve. Still too scared to jump out, he started praying and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the waters of the bayou when just before the curve....
A hand appeared through the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally, as the car came to the outskirts of a town, the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take, jumped out of the car and ran into town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and, voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.
A silence enveloped the bar and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and was not just some drunk blabbering.
About half an hour later, two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other,"Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin' it in the rain."
After the blonde got cut off in traffic, why did she stick her mouth to the steering wheel?
She was trying to blow the horn.
SEEN ON A T-SHIRT/WALL HANGING:
I tried being good, but I got bored.
I'm not stubborn My way is just better
Multi-Tasking: Screwing up several things at once
Authentic Redhead Keep out of direct sunlight
Nobody listens to me until I fart
(on an apron) I'm sorry... Your opinion wasn't in the recipe
I used to care. But I take a pill for that now
Don't interrupt me while I'm talking to myself!
No boy is worth crying over. And the one who is won't make you cry --Sarah Kane Age 10
Remember, as far as anyone know we are a normal family
What happens in the trailer park, stays in the trailer park
First I was a Good Boy
Then I became a Nice Kid
After that I was a Great Guy
Later I grew to be a Fine Man
Now I'm just an Old Fart
"Dogs Welcome"
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
I heard a stand up comic say, regarding Texas heat... "It's like Hell's waiting room."
Excuse me, what are those women dressed in white doing?" a tourist asked his guide. "Oh, well it's custom for brides in Jerusalem to pray at the Wailing Wall on the day of their wedding," he replied.
"Why?" the tourist asked.
"So they can get used to talking to a wall."
Do you know the difference between a proctologist and a podiatrist? Just a couple of feet.
How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to change it, and three to deny the change.
How many military officers does it take to screw in alight bulb? At the present point in time it is against policy and our strategy's best interest to divulge information of that nature. Nest question please.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many can you afford?
How many CEOs does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. We hire contract out for things like that.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? That depends. Do you have health insurance?
DUCT TAPE OR NAILS
A man dies and goes to Heaven. Of course, St Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates.
St Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to get into Heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Ok," the man says. "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, not even in my heart."
"Wonderful!" St Peter says. "That's worth 3 points."
"Three points?" the man asks. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St Peter. "That's certaintly worth a point." "One point?!" the man exclaims. "Well, I started a soup kitchen and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic. That's good for 2 more points," St Peter says. "TWO POINTS?!" the man cries, exasperated. "At this rate, the only way I'll get into Heaven is by the grace of God."
"Bingo!" says St Peter. "100 points! Come on in!"
We often try to fix things with WD-40 and duct tape. God did it with nails.
It's not true that most bosses lack a heart. It's just that they keep them locked up for safe keeping.
About 15% of Americans are screwballs, lightweights, and boobs. And you don't want people like that not represented in Congress. --Former Senator Alan Simpson
Michalanglo and a politician arrive at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter proclaims, "He's here!" and ushers the politician inside as trumpets sound and angels sing.
As Michelangelo follows, the gates slam shut in his face. Shaken, he knocks and St. Peter appears. "I don't understand," Michelangelo says. "I have served God all my life and I arrive here and am completely ignored in the midst of a tremendous welcome for, of all people, a politician!"
"I'm sorry," says St. Peter. "We have many artists in Heaven, but this is our first politician!"
A mechanic was removing the cylinder head from the motor of a Harley when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon. He shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, look at this. I can open it up, take out the valves, fix 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this'll work like new. So how come I get a pitance and you get the really big money when we basically do the same work?"
The surgeon leaned over and said, "Try doing it while the engine is running."
Many doctors have a God complex. But surgeons insist that's wrong. It's God who has a doctor complex.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted
How can you tell when a blonde has been using a computer? There will be Wite-Out all over the screen
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three--one to hold the bulb, and 2 to turn the ladder.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? One--She holds the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around her
The other day, it was so cold, a lawyer was actually spotted with his hands in his own pockets.
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who's best at his job. So they go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
The priest begins, "When I found a bear, i recited the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion."
"I found a bear by a stream," says the minister, "and preached God's Holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."
They both looked at the rabbi who was wrapped in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumsision."
An old dollar bill and an even older twenty-dollar bill arrive at the Federal Bank Reserve to be retired. "I've had a pretty good life," the $20 bill says. "I've been to Vegas, the finest restaurants, and even a cruise."
"That is exciting!" the dollar says.
"Where have you been?" the $20 bill asks."Oh, I've been to the Methodist church, the Baptist church, spent some time with the Lutherans--"
"Wait," the $20 bill interupts. "What's a church?”
On a trip together, a Hindu, a Rabbi, and a lawyer stop at a farmhouse ask to stay the night. There's space for 2, but one will have to sleep in the barn.
"I'll go," the Hindu says. A few minutes later the lawyer and rabbi hear a knock at the door. "There's a cow in the barn," the Hindu says. "Cows are sacred and I can't sleep with a sacred beast."
The rabbi volunteers and leaves with his pillow. But minutes later, the rabbi is knocking on the door. "There's a pig in the barn. It's an unclean animal--my belief forbids me to sleep near such a creature," he says.
The lawyer heads out to the barn. Almost immediately, there another knock at the door.It's the cow and the pig.
Here's a cute little thing that I saw in our August 20, 2006 church flier:
How well do you know your hymns?
Dentist's Hymn--Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn--There Shall be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn--The Church's One Foundation
Tailor's Hymn--Holy, Holy, Holy
Golfer's Hymn--There's a Green Hill Far Away
Politician's Hymn--Standing on the Promises
Optometrist's Hymn--Open My Eyes That I May See
IRS Agent's Hymn--I Surrender All
Gossip's Hymn--Pass It On
Electrician's Hymn--Send the Light
Shoppaholic's Hymn--Sweet By and By
Realtor's Hymn--I've got a Mansion Just Over the Hilltop
Doctor's Hymn--The Great Physician
Masseus' Hymn--He Touched Me
AND, for those of you on the highway...
45 mph-- God Will Take Care of You
65 mph-- Nearer My God to Thee
85 mph-- This World Is Not My Home
95 mph-- Lord, I'm Coming Home
100+ mph-- Precious Memories
BLONDE JOKE
After the blonde got cut off in traffic, why did she stick her mouth to the steering wheel?
She was trying to blow the horn.
A father announced to his son: "Before you can drive, you have to get good grades, keep your room clean, and cut your hair." Weeks later the boy said proudly to his father, "I've got straight A's and my room has been spotless all this time!"
The father looked at his boy and asked, "But what about your hair?"
The boy replied, "Dad, even Jesus had long hair!"
His father looked at him thoughtfully and said, "Yes, He did. And he walked everywhere."
TWO GREAT BLONDE JOKES
An American, a Russian, and a Dumb Blonde were having a conversation.
"We were the first in space!" touts the Russian. "Oh," says the American, "But we were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde cuts in, "Well, we're gonna be the first to the sun!"
The Russian and the American glance at each and start laughing. "You're crazy!" they said. "You can't go to the sun!""
Well duh," says the Blonde. "We're not going during the day, we're gonna go at night."
A blonde walks into a salon with a headset on her head. The stylist argues that he cannot cut the blonde's hair while wearing the headset.
"But I'll die if I take it off!" she exclaims. After arguing for several minuets, the stylists finally agrees to cut around the headset."Madam," he states. "I simply cannot cut your hair with these headphones! Couldn't you remove them for a few minuets?"
The blonde agreed, "I Guess it would be ok for a few minuets." She removed the headset and immediately keeled over.
The stylist was stunned! He picked up the headset and listened to what the blonde thought so important. The headset repeated..."Breathe in...Breathe out...Breathe in...Breathe out...."
JUNE 2006
Why do people refer to their babies as being 19 months old? I don't go around saying I'm 303 months old.
I'd heard that Oprah Winfrey was signed on to do a book about maintaining a healthy weight. Oprah. The queen of yo-yo weight gain/loss. What's next? Redneck Eye for the Gay Guy? Oh, wait. They did that already on Blue Collar TV....
*You ever notice how regular coffee addicts get up an hour early to guzzle an entire pot of coffee?
They say it helps them wake up.
Perhaps you could sleep during that coffee-drinking hour and not need an entire pot of coffee to "wake up".
*Teach a man to fish and feed him for a lifetime. Give him Ramen noodles, and you don't have to teach him anything.
--Momofuku Ando, creator of Ramen Noodles
*Save a cow. Eat a vegetarian.
*A child is not likely to find a father in God unless he finds something of God in his father.
--Austin L. Sorensen
*There's 3 nozzles at the gas pump.
One for Regular
One for Super (10 cents more)
One for Premium (20 cents more)
Didja ever see three different gas trucks delivering gas?
Or notice that there's only one hole in the ground where gas is to be delivered.
I'm beginning to think that all three nozzles deliver the same gas.
**If these NASCAR pit crew guys can change 4 tires in 14 seconds (one per man)Why does it take 3 hours at Wal-Mart's Tire and Lube center to put on 1 tire?
**Anyone who thinks women are weak should get up early the day after Thanksgiving, drive to the mall and just watch from the sidelines.
**I see a lot of labels at work and out of curiosity I tend to check size tags on the very small and the very large. So riddle me this, Batman:When the waist size is 60 inches, is it necessary to print the word "Big" afterward? Isn't that number sort of self-explanatory?
**When I was young, Dad warned me not to read in low light. He said the low light would force me to squint, change the focus in my eyes and require glasses in the end. So I was wondering: Who do you suppose created those Magic Eye posters that were all the rage a few years ago? Perhaps an eye doctor who's business had been slow? Hmmmm...Flash back! Remember Magic Eye?
You'll probably see it soon on a Vh1 "I Love The..." Specials if it's not already out there. No? Don't remember?It was stupid poster with a consistent, squiggly design. Stare at it long enough until your eyes go out of focus and a 3-D image pops out at you. Only, I never saw an image. Not once.
"Today's the day. I packed a lunch and a soda!"--William from the movie Mallrats who just couldn't seem to see that darn old sailboat in the Magic Eye poster.
**They say that more people die in car accidents than in plane crashes.True, probably, but more people die at one time in a plane crash. I'll take my chances. At least if I crash my car I have a better chance of surviving and being found. I bet there's a lot more traffic on the interstate than the Pacific Ocean.
**A Bible which is falling apart usually belongs to someone who is not.
--Charles H. Spurgeon
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