I Hate Thanksgiving

Above Photo: Grocery Shopping Two Days Before Thanksgiving

I couldn't do my grocery shopping the day before Thanksgiving because that would be virtual suicide. I won't go out on the day after Thanksgiving because that IS suicide. I got off too late on Monday so I figured my best chance of survival would be to do it on Tuesday, after work.

How wrong I was.

I woke up at 4:30 am and got off work at 4:30 pm. I already new it was gonna be a long day, but I had no idea what was really in store for me. Two days before Thanksgiving....I didn't think it would be so bad. I had my grocery list in tow and had written only the things we needed to survive such as soda, coffee, and toilet paper. Things of that nature.

I wasn't a last minuet turkey shopper. I had no need for the ingredients to make The World's Dryest Stuffing. I was sent by our need for caffeine to do some simple grocery shopping. 17 hours later I returned to home to Shawn in tears and with a broken spirit.

"It's dog eat dog out there! Every man for himself!" I whimpered. With the stores so unnaturally crowded, I still remained astounded at the amount of people who parked their shopping carts in front of the milk case and chatted it up. "I couldn't even get to the milk because this one fat woman would NOT move! I climbed up the shelf to reach one in the back but I couldn't open the door all the way because the fat woman would NOT move!!!"

Apparently there was a family reunion scheduled for that evening directly in front of the milk case.

Shawn's mother said she will not be doing Thanksgiving this year because of all the family fighting. "YEEEEAAAAAHHHH!" we said as we held each other's hands and jumped up and down like two school girls that had just gotten free tickets to a sold out boy band concert.

Finally! Someone with some common sense. What a great idea--keep the fighting parties away from each other. Whoever said the holidays was a time of families coming together hasn't met my bunch.

....bunch of nutballs.

At least this year we won't be fighting over who's going to be bailing out who. What a relief, because I didn't go to the bank!

We do, however are being forced to attend my Mom's Thanksgiving meal. I don't dread it as much because there hasn't been any smoking in the house since January, which means all the smokers will be running out for a drag and we'll be evenly spaced apart.

Mom has a very strict rule about holidays. DON'T RUIN MY HOLIDAY!!

That's it. Nothing more. She works hard in the kitchen for two days and refuses to let us fight like natural mammals should. I understand, but if we don't get it out, we'll soon be arguing about who's driving to County. HA HA!!

I hate turkey. The only thing that makes it bearable is Mom's white gravy. I hate any other kind of gravy so I drown my turkey in rich, thick, milky white gravy. Mmm. I LOVE gravy. I hate turkey though.

A couple years ago, Dad talked Mom into letting him make a brisket since we ALL hate turkey. To this day, none of us know how he did it. He must have dug up some pretty nasty dirt on her because second holiday rule is: TURKEY ON THANKSGIVING.....HAM ON CHRISTMAS!

I hate ham.

Dr. Dave's Famous Thanksgiving Brisket

Last year we argued that Dad should make his homemade pizza. Dad makes the best pizza crust. He makes his own recipes and after he's perfected them, he labels them Dr. Dave's Famous Chili, Pizza Crust, BBQ sauce, or whatever. Dr. Dave makes a mean pizza crust.

Of course Mom refused. We argued that we all hate turkey but that we all LOVE pizza. Mom would not budge. Someone nearly choked to death on dry turkey because they didn't drown it in gravy. Mmm hmm. Told ya!

Not that Mom makes a bad turkey. It's just that turkey is bad. I mean, it's turkey. What more can you say about it?

And then there's the Day After Thanksgiving Sale, or known around here more commonly as Black Friday. We were watching TV the other night and saw an ad for Kohl's, whose sale began at 4 am. In almost perfect unison, Shawn and I both chimed, "Are they gonna start the sales on Thanksgiving day?!"

And wouldn't you know it? The next commercial was for our local grocery chain HEB (Pronounced ach-eeee-beee) for the Day After Thanksgiving Sale beginning at 9 am Thanksgiving Day.

Remember back in the day when store would be closed for Thanksgiving and Christmas?

Me either.

I don't brave the sales. I could make on stop before work, but I like my appendages just where they are. Shawn and I braved it one year. Once. See my short post it, titled We Almost Died That Day http://laughtillupee.blogspot.com/2006/06/we-almost-died-that-day.html

Of course this was before we had internet, eBay, and a debit card that could be used as a credit card and everything could be ordered from another town in some far off land. Or a fifteen year's bedroom who's selling a Magic Bullet blender that "fell off the truck".

Either way, it beats the crowds. And no, I do not miss shopping. I have no desire to hold it in my hands, feel, touch, smell the item, along with everyone else around me. I crave personal space and Mall Shoppers will not allow that luxury.

Quick! The Tickle Me Elmo's are almost gone!!!!

Yeah, I know this post is insanely long. That's how much I hate Thanksgiving. I liked it better when I was a kid and it simply meant getting an extra long weekend and a huge meal.

One question though... Who the @#$% put Thanksgiving on the third Thursday of November??? What, Friday was no good? Some of us don't get the pleasure of a four day weekend, you know!