No Rest For The Weary. Ever.

I just could not get to sleep last night. I watched the last half of Mallrats, then restarted the DVD. Finally, I shut off the TV, hoping that might help. I just laid there till 1 am. The alarm went off at 4:30 am. I didn't even sleep straight through.

I clocked in almost 10 hours at work. I don't know why I'm not falling over in heap. Maybe it's the caffeine. Maybe God feels sorry for me today.

I still have a ton of stuff to do after I post this. I feel as though I am at my breaking point, as though I've reached my limit, as thought I haven't got a friend in the world.

And Shawn seems to show some slight signs of depression. He feels guilty that I'm putting in overtime, coming home and putting in at least 5 hours on eBay. Maybe for the first time in our marriage, he realizes all that I do.

Run ALL the errands, do ALL the household chores, ALL the shopping, ALL the cooking, cleaning and on top of all this I am now doing ALL the eBay, helping out Shawn when his leg stiffens up, getting in the shower, pants and shoes.......

If he goes down, who will pick us up? We work as a team. When I'm down, he picks me up, and vise versa. If he becomes depressed, how would we pull ourselves up? I haven't had a good night's sleep in three weeks, and my eating habits are horrendous. I'm spent.

He's worried about money. I tell him, I do the check book, all the bills--do you see me worried? When you see me crying over the checkbook, then worry.

I've gotten to the point that when people ask how Shawn is doing, I say, "Great! Fantastic!"

I'm lying. I get so tired of hearing that men are babies. I have this image in my head of Shawn having a bullet wedge somewhere on his body, blood spilling out, and people walk by saying, "Oh, men are such babies!"

No one asks how I am. I don't really care. I just want to get the day done and move on to the next.
Usually when I get to this point, I just sit at the bottom of the tub during a shower and just cry until I can't cry anymore. It's help to relive the stress and the fact that I have no one to talk to about what's going on. I haven't cried. I haven't thrown anything. I just feel numb.

Bone tired. Yes, my bones do seem to ache. And my muscles seem to cry out, "We need more caffeine if you want to keep going!"

Do I, though? I really just want to take a nap. A long, deep nap. And plant pretty plants in the yard. Hell, I'd like to have the spare ten minuets needed to water plants. I want to sleep late and wake up not worrying about my to do lists. (yes, lists) I want to write and paint and read. I want to watch the news.

I could on, but I have eBay payments to tend to, dinner to cook, dishes to wash, and the house hasn't been cleaned in over a week. The spiders have begun to set up tiny condos and mini malls in their webs.

Oh, and I need to replace the flapper in the toilet. Shoot, it can wait, can't it?