Dysfunctionally Normal

My mom called this morning with the latest update on our family. It would take me months to tell you the entire story and it's really quite boring. So I'll save us all some time here.

"Are most families like this? Are they all dysfunctional like ours?" Mom asked.

"Mom," I whined. "Dysfunctional is the new normal. Your family isn't normal unless it's completely dysfunctional."

I'm sure you've heard comments like this elsewhere, because it's totally true. There is not a family in this world that isn't dysfunctional. Oh, they seem to have it going on in public and at the reunions and the school meetings, but do not be fooled! As soon as that "normal" family gets behind closed doors, dishes are boucing off walls, dolls' heads are being ripped off, and the family dog is packing his suitcase.

You might think it somewhat sad that Dysfunctionality is the new normal. I just think of it as...normal.

I don't think I could sleep at night without having a daily arguement! I suppose the territory comes with larger families. I am sure the smaller families don't hurl the good China at each other. But we don't see what's going on behind closed doors, now do we?

What does the good All-American Dysfunctional Family need to make the requirements to hold such a prestigious title? Let's break it down, shall we?

1. Abuse of any kind: Alcohol, drug, child, food, porn, verbal, etc.

2. Anything breakable in the house at all times.

3. Enough people to call each other and complain about so-and-so, but keep it to yourself!

4. A revolving pattern of "I treated my parents badly so my kids will also treat me badly" for endless generations.

5. Several "Provokers"

Please realize this is quite different than a black sheep. Provokers are the ones that invoke the worrying, the fighting, the nightmares, the gossip, the rumors, and the thoughts of, "Who's gonna take the kids when he lands himself in jail?"

The Dysfunctional Family is very different than the White Trash Family. And, yes. There is a difference. White Trash have homes with nothing left to break, everyone is a provoker, the house smells of dog urine, and everyone knows everything, so don't bother keeping it under your hat.

Is this what we've come to? Yes, I'm afraid so. If your family is not currently considered a candidate for the prestigious title of Dysfunctional Family, then your family is not normal.

And if that bothers you... give it a few years.