I Know What I Said; I Can't Sleep

I know I said I wouldn't be posting because I was spending my time on the computer by building my website. Well it's nearly 4 am and I've been up since 2. I simply cannot think about HTML and links and photos right now.

When I was a kid, I could sleep till noon if my parents let me. On the weekends, I'd stay up all hours of the night. On Fridays, my parents were cool enough to let me watch Johnny Carson (what a guy!) though I didn't get a lot of the jokes.

When I was 14 I began to have trouble sleeping. School was a natural sedative and I'd often wake up when a bell rang with small pool of drool sliding of my desk. Eventually the school guidance counselor had a "chat" with me.

Like most counselors, this lady was just doing her job. She didn't know me, but wanted to act like she'd like to get to know me. She really didn't care about me, but it was her job to act as such. "I know it gets warm in class, " she said. "I know when I read, it makes me sleepy."

I wasn't reading. I was sleeping.

Mom noticed my troubles and I saw a doctor who put me on sleeping pills called Trazodone. I'll explain my experience with these pills:

The first 30 minuets after taking one was sheer bliss. I didn't care about anything! The most ignorant program could be on PBS and I'd just watch it with no interest of reaching for the remote. Life was good. Everything was right in the world, or at least my world. If I was lying in an uncomfortable position, I didn't care. If the light was on, I didn't care. I could sleep forever.

Soon, my body got used to the pills and they became worthless. It was like taking a Tylenol or something. The sleeping pills did nothing for me. Occasionally I'd dig around the medicine cabinet for something to knock me out.

I'd always been somewhat of a light weight (more like feather weight) when it came to taking medicine. However, it soon became clear that if I took something for too long, it wouldn't work anymore. Even today when I have a cold and take NyQuil, it'll work for the first couple nights, then it won't.

Example: 2 weeks ago I got a cold. On Wenesday, March 8, I gulped back some NyQuil and slept like a baby on drugs. The next night, I took some more NyQuil and didn't sleep at all. Between 9pm and 2am I woke up 15 times. I finally got up and starting writing. The next day, Friday, was pure hell.

Friday is always a busy day at the store and I was really ok for the first few hours. I clocked in at 6am but by noon I was Night of the Living Dead. A guy i work with says to me, "It looks like a 5 o'clock day today!!" I looked around at all the work needing to be done and relized he was right. I was near tears at 3pm and said, "I can't be here till 5! I just can't do it! I'm so TIRED!"

But I did make it. I clocked out at 4:30, went to the post office and the bank. I still didn't go to bed until 9pm and even then I didn't sleep all that well. You'd think after 5 hours of crappy sleep and being up for 19 hours that I'd hit that bed like a champ.

No, no. This is my life and I've come to accept it. I accepted the fact that I will never sleep. Ever.