On the Subject of Children

I watched Monsters Inc. for the upteenth time last night. If you've never seen it, the movie is about monsters who scare children for electricity. They actually fill up cells with a child's scream in order to use as electricity. In the movie, there is a power shortage due to the fact that children are not as easily scared as they used to be (probably because of video games and horror films coming out year round)

As I was watching this movie, I had a thought. The monsters are so hard up for screams that rolling blackout are expected. What? They never heard of Wal-mart? I guarantee you, they'd find enough screaming children there in one hour to power the entire monster universe for an eternity.


Speaking of screaming banshees, I recently discovered yet another reason not to have children. Shawn and I often argue about this because we know how the other feels: He would like one kid some day, but before he's too old. I, on the other hand, do not see why it is necessary to procreate simply because you can.

Once, a while back Shawn was walking a bit funny--trying to hide it, though I could tell something was wrong. "Pull a groin?" I asked. "You better get that checked! Make sure you don't have a hernia."

I knew I was making an unnatural demand for Shawn to actually see a doctor without being at death's door step.

"Why?!" he smiled. "You don't want kids anyway!"
"And that's your excuse for not going to a doctor?"

Yes. Yes it was. So my new excuse for not wanting kids, as in ever, is that we just don't have the room. Yes, yes I know we have an extra bedroom but that's where all our eBay stuff is currently being a stored. If we had a kid, where would I contain the merchandise? And moms keep everything. I assure you, this is no exaggeration!

My mom has drawings and spelling papers from when I was in Kindergarten. She organizes her photos by the pound. And on a competent Christmas tree? She will still display the metal jar lid, lined with tattered and faded tinsel, a yellowed photo of me with a toothless grin and rust around the edges.

We tell Mom that the 20 year old 1st grade-made ornaments destroy what would otherwise be a beautiful tree. She scoffs at us and says we have no Christmas spirit.

Bah humbug! I don't have room in this house! I am a bonafide pack rat and Shawn is 20 times worse! His motto: DON'T THROW IT AWAY I'll find a use for it.

WHEN??? When, oh Lord, will he find a use for it? Over the past few months, I've slowly (very slowly) been cleaning out cupboards and drawers and the occasional closet shelf in deep secret. Those empty water jugs that had a potential use? Gone. Those two shelves that he made who I truly believe were made by Tim Taylor...? Gone.

And he doesn't even know it! And he never will because he will have forgotten the items, completely erased them from his memory approximately 30 seconds after having said, "I can use it for something!"

So with that said, no I don't have room for the stacks of school papers, onesies that will never be worn for the rest of time, blankies, or rusted, 20 year old Christmas tree ornaments.

I like the fact that I may purchase children's video games for eBay sale without hearing, "Can I have it?" I like to be the one scowling at the woman holding the screaming child in the middle of Wal-Mart. I like the fact that the back seat of my car has no cookie crumbs or juice stains. I like that I can sit and play Super Mario Galaxy for two hours straight if I want to. I like to go to the cupboard and find that YES! there are some cookies left.

I like my Christmas tree. I like my Christmas decorations. They match. And none of them have fingerprints outlined in Cheetos-Orange.