So You Have A Cold

So you say you have a cold! Part one of a series (not really....this is about it)

Preparing
Sure you took AirBorne and Emergen C, swallowed whole cloves of garlic, all to subside the effects of an oncoming onslaught known as The Common Cold. Huge doses of Vitamin C are a good prevention, at least that's what the commercials told you, and where did it get you....?

Congratulations! You've got a cold!

Recognizing the Signs
First of all, how do you recognize the signs of the Common Cold? Well, first you might notice phlegm where there was no phlegm before. You might begin to revert to childhood, even. When your nose becomes runny and you cannot blow it, snort it, or blot it, you become a two year old again, unable to control your own mucus.

You may have a cough. You may cough up pieces of your own lung. If this occurs, do not become alarmed. This is quite normal. It is also normal to cough for days on end after your cold has seemingly ended.

Lastly, you will have a general, over all crappy feeling about your body. Compare it to being beaten very badly and left for dead.

How to Cope
Because you have an infection the general sinus/mucus holding arena, it is very typical to lose your sense of taste and smell. It is also possible to lose a great portion of your hearing since your head is both plugged up and running simultaneously.

Chicken soup is often recommended for colds. No one really knows why, it just is. Chicken soup is nasty but since your taste is all but MIA, go ahead and eat up.

Your lips are probably chapped and cracked by now because you cannot breathe through your nose. You walk around like a dolt with your mouth hanging open, allowing air to pass in and out, over you lips. And it's probably winter, and that ain't helping the situation none.

Apply a petroleum based lip balm LIBERALLY as often as possible. Slathering on Vaseline also works well in this case. It's perfectly acceptable to leave the Vaseline out in visible areas (such as your bed side night stand) since no one will get the wrong idea about it once they take one look at you, mouth hanging open like a dolt, and snot just about running down your face.

Orange Juice is highly recommended at this time, but you might find it handy to drink it through a straw. Once that citric acid hits your cracked, bleeding lips, you'll know exactly why.

Since you can't taste much and anything salty or citrus burns your lips, this may be an excellent time to wolf down some veggies. Cabbage is great for opening up the sinus cavity!

If you find that you do have a bit of taste bud in you, and you'd prefer not to spend the duration of your cold trauma sitting on the toilet due to eating too much cabbage, get to the kitchen! You won't feel like cooking or eating, but your tummy is rumbling; what to do? Microwave any sort of soup, get a piece of bread, anything you can pull out and eat and dump garlic and cinnamon all over it. Guaranteed to wake up those tired taste buds!

And Finally
There is no cure for The Common Cold. Sure, we can vaccinate against Polio, Pox, and send men to the moon, but sadly, there's no cure for a cold. The quickest way to heal a cold is bed rest and plenty of boring day time TV.

For most of us, a cold isn't a good enough reason to call in to work. Sure there's the risk of spreading it to coworkers and sharing the joy with them, but most bosses aren't too keen on your staying home unless you're violently puking of running a fever of no less than 103.8

In the meantime, there are many daytime cold medicines that say they will not cause drowsiness but do anyway and you're moving so slowly that you're not really accomplishing anything and would've been better off had you stayed home in the first place. But no, you're at work, miserable because you're at work, miserable because you have a cold, and miserable because everyone else is hot and you're freezing your butt cheeks off and all you want to do is go home and crawl into your nice warm bed and sleep forever.

But I digress. Just get through the day and when you get home, drink a shot glass' worth of NyQuil. It's 40% alcohol, so you'll sleep really, really, good for about four hours. Then you'll be up at 2 am, staring at the clock, knowing that it's much to late to take another shot, lest you be stopped on your way to work for drunk driving.

In Closing....
Yes! There is an end to all this suffering! It may not happen over night, especially if you have to work, but you will begin to feel better! Sometimes, this is known as Medicine Head, a result of taking too much cold meds, but sometimes, it is for real!

Once you are completely well, take caution to avoid another cold by working from home, making your home germ free and completely cutting yourself off from the world. Wash your hands in plenty of 97% rubbing alcohol, order your groceries through the internet and you'll never have to deal with illness again!

...Unless you develop Cancer from a lack of sunlight, fresh air, and from eating prepackaged foods for all those years. But that's our next pamphlet....