Superman Returns Review

In a word: Blows

In two words: Too long

We got Mr & Mrs Smith through NetFlix on Wednesday. Watched half of it before the disc just all but rolled over and died. Returned for a working disc. Got new disc on Friday. Didn't work. And we were actually enjoying the movie!

Got free HBO for the weekend and watched Superman Returns. I want my 2 1/2 hours back. First of all, I MUST express my concern for Superman's father saying that we humans are a wretched murderous people and need a savior and that's why he sent he his "only son."

Ugh.

Seriously? Who wrote this crap? Why by George, just nail Supes to a cross why don't cha? OK, that's all I'm gonna say about that--you all know how I'd feel about it so I won't go on for thirty-six paragraphs explaining my disgust.

I thought we might see something different. Like, I dunno--Supes tells Lois who he is so she can finally realize how blatantly stupid she is for not realizing it for herself. Or a change from the 80's Superman movies. Ugh, what a waste of tape.

The kid playing superman is a dead ringer for Christopher Reeve--the two could be clones. Lois Lane is starving...someone get her a Tic Tac before she faints. And Cyclops is here! I stared at that dude for an hour into the movie and covered up the upper half of his face before I knew who "Richard" was. Jam from Detroit Rock City is here also. He makes a good Jimmy.

Speaking of dorky bow ties--like I said, I expected something new. Spider-Man got a righteous costume update. The X-Men strayed from the yellow and blue and appeared in shiny new black pleather. And Superman? Yeah. Still in blue spandex with his underpants on the outside. Still slicking his hair back leaving one God-awful, annoying curl over the forehead (so no one will recognize him as Clark Kent--hair gel can do that)

Sure I knew this movie bombed, but I had to see for myself. Kevin Spacey is a great actor but he's no Lex Luther. Whatever happened to the days when we said to ourselves, "Patrick Stewart IS Professor X!" And so it became reality. I don't think anyone ever said, "Spacey IS Luthor!"

Even the music is the same. John Williams created "new" music for the new Star Wars movies. Not for Superman. You can practically hear the original score of Star Wars playing in the background of the main title music.

One, and ONLY one kudos: The effect of the airplane's steel panels doing an accordion-style shift as it came to a sudden halt on the baseball field. Nice effect. Nice.

Though Superman didn't remove the plane from the diamond. He just left it there for a bunch of engineers to scratch their heads and go, "Well, I'm stumped." Superman cost the city of Metropolis a LOT of money by just leaving a jet in the middle of a baseball field.

Why doesn't Lois Lane write an article about that, huh?

Jimmy: We dressed her in baggy clothes so no one would notice that she doesn't have the Three Bs....Boobs, Butt, and Brains. I mean, c'mon! I put on my sunglasses and she asked, "Where'd Jimmy go?"

Chief: In a nation known for being collectively overweight, how can someone be starving? Jimmy, get Sally Struthers on the line. Ooh, or Bono....

Lois: Can someone get me an ice cube? I'm starving