Playing Dress-Up

"Do you have any slacks? I'll buy you some slacks if you need them!"
That's my Mom, giving me the unsubtle hint of how to dress for my great aunt and uncle's 60th anniversary party.
"I have slacks, Mom! I just have to wash them!"


They're actually what I refer to as my Funeral Pants. The were purchased on the fly at a Wal-Mart for a wake, and I rarely wear them except to attend funerals. They were tight when I bought them. It was one of those common situations were a size up was too big, too long, no time to make alterations, etc, etc.

So I take them to work and stretch out the waist as much as I possibly can on a steamer, lint roll them and give them a sharp crease. The pants were lookin' good; I only hoped I could get into them while maintaining a functioning breathing pattern.

I bought some of that powder-mineral make-up, even. I hate make-up. I hate the way it feels, I hate the way it looks. Women normally use it to cover up scars, zits, spotchiness, but when I use it, it actually draws attention to scars, zits, spotchiness and now I have a new flakiness to go along with all of that.


I never really learned how to apply make-up beyond a little shadow and liner and I'm always afraid I'll end up leaving the house as:

But I do have a free subscription to Cosmo and have been educating myself so I thought I could pull it off. I got a weird little thing that has green on end and pink on the other. You're suppose to "dab" the green on red spots. This cancels out the red optically--I learned this in high school art class. I did this on paper once--how hard could it be?

Inevitably, I smeared the green all over my face. What choice did I have? And all that "gentle blending" turned my skin red. I applied the mineral-powder stuff and realized that my entire face was about a shade or two lighter than my arms. Too late now!
Though when entering the Land of the Living, I came to the realization that no one's make-up matches their face perfectly. Except for the very rich, who can have their make-up dyed to match their skin, their shoes, and so on. The rest of us? We get our stuff from Wal-Mart.

And that's something else that surprised me.... This stuff is expensive! I have green eyes, so I thought the purchase of a pale green eye shadow might make my eye pop, and draw attention away from the fact that I am being slowly suffocated by my funeral pants. The want $4 for one little pad of green. You don't get an assortment of colors--just one. And I saw something that's supposed to help cover blue circles under your eyes (I was born with them--I'll dig around for some baby pics) but it was like $7.


I'd already spent $20 on make-up and $3 on a Good-Will blouse so I cut it off there. This party is eating up my wallet. (in case you're a new reader, my husband lost over a month of work and we're just now getting caught up, so yeah--$20 is a lot right now)


I'd have some before and after photos to share with you, but, um, no. I burnt my forehead at work on Thursday (long story) and instead of the make-up covering it up like all the articles and ads say, it just amplifies it along with everything else.

Let's just say I'm not in the mood to share my self-consciousness with the entire world right now.