I Didn't Know David Copperfield Even HAD $2 Million

Woof. If anything ever happens to the Hoover Dam, I know where we can find a hefty pair of brows.

Here's what I know on the Copperfield story as of lately.

A woman is claiming Copperfield raped her back in July. I guess she just now decided to mention it to anyone. When I was in junior high school, they taught us girls that if ever raped, get your butt to the hospital ASAP to be swabbed for bodily fluids and whatnot. Then, you have proof that the dude had sex with you. Then, you gotta prove that it forced sex. Then you fill out the police report, find a lawyer, blah, blah, blah.

I don't know if this unknown chick did any of that because no one has seen the police report. Something else that I learned while in junior high: Don't scream rape just because you had a fight with your boyfriend. Or he's a millionaire. Which brings me to more of the story.

The FBI raided Copperfield's prop storage. They seized a computer, some camera equipment and 2.25 million in cash.

No, not a prop. Cold hard cash. Did the money commit rape as well? Is it a suspect? Was it a witness? These words have been brought to you by the number 7, the letter Y, and David Chesnoff, Copperfield's lawyer.

The FBI also searched the Hollywood Theater at MGM Grand where Copperfiled performs regularly. Har, har. OK, but seriously, folks, what evidence are they gonna find in a theater and in $2 million? It was said that porn was found on the computer, but let's be serious here. EVERY computer contains porn. Even if you never, ever look it up, or even think about looking up porn--it WILL be on your computer.

I get emails on a DAILY basis telling me how to enlarge my penis. Funny, I don't remember being born with a penis. Forgot to turn on the pop-up blocker when we first changed Internet service. Suddenly, I was staring at a very buxom blond who was staring at me as though a bright SUV was in front of her. I run an image search for glittery eyeshadow (see a few posts back) and was greeted by photos of strippers.

So....my conclusion on the Copperfield being accused of rape? Hmm. Well, I never really liked the guy. He seems to have a way of being annoying even if he doesn't move or speak. Personally, I didn't even know he had $2 million to leave just lying around. That's Bill Gates money there. Kind of like when I stash $20 in a cookie jar, except it's $2 million in a storage warehouse.

Yeah, it's the same.

Still, I would've figured Copperfield a $20 kind of guy. I mean, who's paying to watch his shows?

So given the knowledge that Copperfield has a Bill Gates cookie jar, I would happily suggest that the un-named woman is out for money. See, in our world (regular Joe's like you and me) we make accusations like this, the guy goes to jail. We don't get no money!

I need to start hanging out with rich, celebrity men. Retirement, here I come!