Should That be Moving?

I hate yard work. Neither one of us is what you'd call "yard" people. Meanwhile, everyone else on the block is Hank HIll. When giving directions to our house, I always tell people to just look for the ugly yard.

It's not that we don't take pride in our home. We do. We're just lazy, that's all! No, it's much more than that. Take the folks across the street, for instance. The husband owns his own buisness so obviously they don't work. The wife is always planting things and he is always washing his truck and driveway with a power washer (about every 16 hours or so).

We don't have the time or the energy. Oh, and I am alergic to pecan trees. I tell Shawn that if we were ever to move, we'll buy a house with NO PECAN TREES!! And if there are some, they will be cut down immediately.

Here's why I personally do not like yard work:

I feel asmatic and cannot breathe
My arms and any exposed skin breaks out and burns as though on fire
My eyes water and my nose runs

It's very, very hard work


But...it has to be done. We have a section between our house and the neighboors where leaves collect endlessly and tirelessly year round. About twice a year I clean it up and set about 47 trash bags on the curb. Our neighbors are lucky to get that much.

One of the things I hate the most about this process are the Moviing Things. As leaves shift and move about I wonder, "Should that be moving?"

See, a couple years ago we found a mother snake had hatched a lovely addition to her family in the ever-growing pile of leaves. Everyone knows that if a snake is poisonous, it's always the most poisonous as a baby.

You can imagine my suprise when the leaves began to move all on their own and leave the designated pile. But proudly, I killed more baby snakes (with a shovel) than Shawn did because I was more determined than he to clean up Mount Leafmore.

The bottom of the pile is the scariest. The bottom of the pile is no longer leaves. It was once leaves. It has been there so long it has turned to mulch and dirt. I'm not taking about the soil on the ground--It's leaves that have been there so long they've began to decompose.

How lovely.

In this area I expect to find all sorts of Moving Things, and if I'm lucky, maybe even a new species which will result in my photo on the cover of Time magazine.

It's not that I'm squimish about bugs. I played with bugs throughout my childhood. Even now I will calmly pick up a large gecko and remove it from the shower to the yard.

But still...you don't know what it is lurking in the soil. It has taken Mount Leafmore as its home for several months and I, being ever so brave, am attempting to disrupt its shelter.

Will it bite? Will it be slimy? Will it get on me and latch onto my burning skin to suck the blood from wheezing lungs?

See? See? You just never know! It's a total crap shoot! The best aproach that I've found is to simply assume that it's all just shifting leaves and get it done as quickly as possible. Then it can be the trash collector's problem.

One thing I've never understood is why leaves take up so much room in a garbage bag. It's leaves! They're crushable! And yet I find myself making hundreds of trips to the curb which seems to be two miles away!!



They say yard work is "relaxing". Whoever said that, is welcome to come to my house and do it all.

Is it money? Is that what you want? 'Cause I can pay you money! I'll work more overtime if it's money you want!
*wheeze
*cough, hack!*
*wheeze*

...relaxing indeed